An Immigrant's Dilemma

Since I left Tunisia, I have been struggling with a feeling of guilt. Guilt for leaving my mother behind while trying to build a life of my own in another country. Leaving was not easy. Yet, there was no doubt in my mind that I had to. I will spare you the long list of reasons most bright young Tunisians flee the country. The short answer is: because they can.

Tunisia is a country where you quickly learn to reach out to your network to make anything happen. From information gathering to essential services, most things proceed informally through your network. It’s a country based on what French people call: system D. This network has multiple layers: The smallest and most important one is what I will call your Essential Network. These are the people you trust to have your back. They are some of your favourite human beings: closest friends and family members, people you lean on when the going gets tough. Then there’s your bigger Extended Network: friends, coworkers and extended family members. These are the people that, due to social pressure, cannot afford to openly harm you and tend to help you out in non-taxing situations.

When you leave the country, you implicitly entrust your parent to both Essential and Extended Networks. This is fine when you’re twenty: your closest friends are probably your age, they have time to fill, and are eager to help. At the same time your parent is still young, probably in their fifties, and, if you’re lucky, they are mostly self-sufficient. To put it simply: your network has enough bandwidth while intervention costs and frequency are low.

So what can you do about it?

Well, at some point, the guilt might eat you alive and you will have to return to Tunisia to take care of your parent. If you’re like me, not eager to go back, this will be a miserable situation. Another solution would be to uproot them and bring them with you. Old and unable to speak the language, they might not enjoy the experience and would become even more isolated and dependent on your presence and attention.

None of these solutions feels fair or brings me any satisfaction. I think there should be a third option: an opt-in Essential Network that would not decay throughout the years. One that has enough bandwidth to take care of your parent, to help them while you’re building a life of your own in another country, and is shaped to make them feel valued and cared for. Such a network could absolve you of that guilt.

If there was such a network, will you be willing to pay to enroll your parent in it?